Sunday, December 25, 2011

A Christmas Rant

Okay. So I was over due for a post and over due for a slap in the face of Christmas. Sorry again for falling off the face of the Earth. This is a little piece of a much larger conversation I've had many times. It's now been paired down to a concise bit of vitriol, which is meant to be read aloud. But I goofed around with my equipment and never videoed it. So please, as you peruse the following, read it aloud and preferably with the rushed exasperated tone of someone who has spent thirty minutes in line, who knows there are at least 45 minutes left. 

I give you:
MoTheThird vs. Christmas (Round Four):
A Christmas Rant

It’s Christmas time. Okay…So what? Christmas is the epitome of hype. People pouting about wanting a white holiday, while I’m waiting impatiently in lines too long with a cart full of things I really can’t afford. As I try to figure out how to sneak out of the back of the auditorium after Billy slash Susy finishes the only solo I’ll even pretend to care about, if not to go home, at least for a smoke… ‘cause hey, I’m no monster.

Then there are the evangelical hoards touting the real meaning of Christmas as they stab their flag on the high holy day and protest the secularization of the birthday of a world leader who was born in the spring according to, like, every real scholar. While the Pagans, like the Native Americans, are standing on the outside edges of Christmas, blinking dumbly at one another, reminding themselves that they really were there first.

But it doesn’t really matter. ‘Cause, on Black Friday, the lady from the First Self-Righteous Church, who’d spent just a minute too long in the queue, snapped and maced the Pagans right out of line. Even though there was a touch of collateral damage. They were probably “CrEasters” anyway, so whatever, “God Wills It!” And I guess, when it comes down to it, at least they only got maced. It’s not so bad when you downgrade it from trampled, but when you upgrade it from casual shopping, it becomes a bit more alarming…

But let’s get serious for a second. Christmas shopping hasn’t been casual since…well since black Friday became “Black Friday” in the 1960s. The fact that I, a reasonable adult, can devolve into a snarling, clawing Neanderthal of a being, willing to knock over a pensioner and wrestle a package from the hands the little waif of a housewife who though that her kid was more in need of the colorful light-up noisemaker than my nephew…her mistake not mine.  I make no apologies.

And truthfully… the ego-maniacal, over stimulated, socially stunted mini-mes could probably stand to have one less gift bursting from beneath their Tree on the 25th. It could be their little chance to contribute to the financial health of the family. Allowing their stress filled caretakers to accumulate that much less debt. Magnanimity by abstinence would be the order of the day. But who am I kidding? This is the USA! And we will not be out indulged (Except maybe by the French). I think therefore I am entitled.

My cart almost involuntarily moves the two new inches in line, when I realize that if, after Billy slash Susy’s solo, and the requisite standing ovation of one,  I succumb to a coughing fit, people will think I’m being polite when I excuse myself out of the back. I could probably suck down two sticks of cancer before people start to think that if I’m still coughing, I’m probably dying. Which I kind of am, so I guess I should quit again for New Year.

Merry Freaking Christmas
Thanks for the card…but what did you get me?