10 Tips For Boyfriends Who
Want To Be Above Average
With a few notable
exceptions, my closest friends are women. I get along with them better. The
complexity. The self-reflection. The fashion senses. There’s just more room in
the ranks of women for all of my idiosyncrasies. So, ever since forever I’ve been one
of the girls. As a direct result, despite the immense complexities among
individual women, I’ve had the chance to observe a lot of overlap. The overlap provides me with
information. And my friends provide me with a cabinet of wisdom so great that
any president with equivalent depth would add world peace, and the cure for
cancer to his or her resume.
So, between this life
experience, and the ocean of insightful pages I’ve read? I don’t suck. That’s
all we can hope for, I think. I make a good friend, and, I believe, an okay
boyfriend. The women in my life have, joked, asked, and at times flatly
insisted that I teach a class on women in which I help guys of all ages to make
themselves the men that women want to date… or at least, not to suck.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll
say it again, I love women. I respect women. And think to myself, perpetuation
of the species or no, I don’t know how women put up with most of the garbage
pulled by boys masquerading as men…or something. Most guys joke that women should
come with an instruction manual. The problem with a manual on women is that
most guys, who should read it? Won’t.
So here’s a little something
that even the laziest boyfriend or suitor can muddle through if he has an
actual eye to being a better man. Most
of it, you’ve seen, read, or heard before, but I promise, it bears repeating.
Others are personal tips and bits of experience I’ve garnered through life
experience. So, here are your ten tips. Do not take them lightly. They are
intended to be used by men, or the masculine partner, with a woman or the
feminine partner, who are seriously intending to improve a long term
relationship. If you use these tips for any other ploy, trick, scam, or
whatever, the Universe will come in and drop a monstrous…batch of karma on you.
I. There are three photos you
should have. (1) Get a print of you and her. Put it in a frame. Make it
prominent. It should be visible within five steps of the entrance to your
space, house, apartment, or room (if you have roommates without much useful
shared space). It should be a brightly lit shot, not more than half a body,
ideally a head shot ending around the shoulders. (2) Grab a nice shot of her
alone. Ask her to provide you with the picture so that a) she knows it exists and b) it's a picture that SHE is confident about. Full body, if you can swing it. It should also be printed. This one goes
in your room, also in a frame. Keep it visible, but it doesn’t have to be as
much so. (3) The third shot I recommend is THE action shot. This one comes with
you wherever you go. It could be printed or on your phone. It could be her, or
both of you, but no one else. It’s only important that you have an excuse to
show it often, preferably a story that’s not too mind numbing. Make it happen.
II. Do something ordinary.
Awesomely. A personal favorite of mine was having a picnic with my girlfriend
in my living room. A cheese tray, a basket of fruit, and a bunch of flowers
went a long way. Another few options: You love sports. She loves kids. Take her
to a little league game. And if you can swing it, go to a game from her
hometown or school. Bring coloring pages to the restaurant with you and have a coloring contest. Let the server judge it and figure out a prize of some sort.
III. Create something about
her or for her. A poem, a story, a painting, a drawing, a song would be a nice
gesture. You want it to exist permanently, and be referred to for reasons
greater than practicality or function.
IV. Heads up! Your girlfriend
has a thing she hates. It’s totally irrational. And guess what? You don’t even
know what it is. One of my best friends, and closest advisors, positively hates
the smell of…candle smoke. You know how, when you blow out a candle, a wisp of
dense smoke slowly creeps up; it bothers her to no end. Do you want to be her
knight in shining armor? Lick your two fingers and stop the smoke.
V. Stick out your arm and
open her door. When you’re walking with your partner, stick your arm out in a
way that recalls European High society. Amazingly, it is less inconvenient than
holding hands (by keeping them from getting cold). It looks cool. And your
girlfriend’s friends will think it’s nice. By the same vein, open the door for
her. Don’t “happen to be walking in front of her and grab the door.” You have
to, “do the awkward double time step to beat her to the door and hold it open
while she walks in, before you.” And though my sources tell me that getting out
of the car is less important, when you’re getting IN to the car, make sure you
open her door. You've been warned.
VI & VII. Listen &
Respond
These could have been numbers
One through Ten. I’ll drop them in as two very centrally located numbers, with
a slight twist. Listen to her. One hour per week. Not four 15-min sessions. Not
two 30-min sessions. Not even a 55 and a 5. Sixty uninterrupted minutes, you
can find it in your schedule; it’s the length of a TV Drama. Get two chairs,
point them at each other, and listen to her talk about her day, her dreams, the
neighbors, it doesn’t matter at all; just do it. Just as important, you have to
talk back. Hitch was right. Sorry guys, there’s no good way around it. Your partner wants to
hear your voice. Even if you have to write your talking points on your hand. That I, “communicate, clearly and effectively,” is one of my
best qualities, according to my dear friend. Turn off your phone, and Duty will still be Calling when your hour is up. There is a massive amount of value
hidden in conversation. Dig.
IX. Take a cue from Barney
Stinson. “Suit up!” Well, you don’t have to suit up entirely, but once a month,
you have to take it up a notch. A button-down shirt with full length sleeves,
and a pair of dress trousers, and an honest to goodness tie are your uniform
for the night. If you look special, she feels special. She can take you out
with pride, instead of buyer’s remorse. So button your shirt, all the way to
the top (no faking). Dust off/Salvo/borrow a tie. Sorry, no polos or jeans
allowed. Shy away from khakis, even.
For a value bump: Get a
haircut. Let your significant other or someone better than you with clothes to
create your ensemble.
X. God is in the details.
The same way that protecting
her from the little things she hates, is important, it’s a million tiny things
that make you the boyfriend that she talks about with her friends. Brush her
hair away when it falls into her eyes. Carry an umbrella that you hold over her
when it rains. Slip a hair tie in your briefcase, sometimes she’ll need it. Write “thinking of you” on a post-it and stick it in her glove box,
or the bottom of her laptop, or inside her jacket pocket. You’ve heard that
it’s the little things…I’m telling you, it’s true.
photo: Who Is Prince Charming?
This was great fun to read : )
ReplyDeleteI noticed you missed number 8. If it were me, it would be to post this list somewhere you'll see it regularly. I suffer from the man-problem of not thinking beyond the now. But this list is fantastic, Morris, and I'm learning from you even after two years of dating and four years of marriage.
ReplyDeleteWow. I guess that's what I get for using Roman numerals. I'll add VIII as a new post. I actually had a few points I didn't use cause it was getting long and I wanted to stick to (what I thought was) ten points. I hope you get some use out of the list.
ReplyDeleteToo bad most men will never see this!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely amazing! Thank you for your awareness of the minds of women, I can't imagine the "damage" this will do! Your writing is almost lyrical in its beauty, thank you for sharing :)
ReplyDelete