Shuffle Up & Deal (Euchre)

Euchre: The Game of Jacks
If you haven’t heard of euchre, you’re not the only one. Regionally it’s largely isolated to Ohio, Michigan, upstate New York, and a random smattering of other regions. It’s not a plant. It’s not an animal. Some may argue that it’s a religion but definitely not in “that” sense of the word. It’s a card game.  One I’ve been playing since I can remember.

Throughout high school, I was a principal member in the School of Euchre, teaching those uninitiated few how to euch with the best of them. But in northern Ohio, the people who didn’t already know the drill were few and far between. In central Pennsylvania, however, during undergrad, I spent a lot of time just trying to explain what euchre is. But I made a few disciples along the way. And everybody who was to learn got sent in my direction. I figure, this should make sending them my way easier.

In person, I always like to start with square one. “Do you know the basic order of cards?” Etc. Etc. I’m going to go ahead and assume that you do, and not drag the other children through the remediation of explaining that an Ace is higher than a 9.

Starting Out
Euchre is a turn based, partner game, played with four people. If you’re familiar with, Spades, Bridge, Pinochle, or Rook, then you are ahead of the curve. If not, it basically means you sit opposite your partner and want to win hands by throwing out the highest card in the mix.

For those of us who’ve ever heard, “You’re not playing with a full deck.” Now you’re doing it on purpose. Start by dropping the cards eight and below. So, you’ve got a deck of 24 cards, dealt out in sets of twos and threes. Each player gets 5 cards with 4 cards remaining in what’s called the kitty.

Trump: A Primer
Now we have to decide on trump. When a suit is named trump, any card of that suit outranks any card of a non-trump suit. The highest ranking card in euchre is the Jack of the selected suit (referred to as the right bauer or right), then the other Jack of the same color and opposite suit (left bauer, or left). In descending order thereafter it is A, K, Q, 10, and 9. In non-trump suits (except for the next suit), the jacks are not special, and the cards of those suits rank from high to low as A, K, Q, J, 10, and 9.

Making Trump

So, the dealer turns up the top card of the kitty (The Turn Card), in the center of the table. Now it’s time to make tough choices. And the suit of that card is the first option for trump. The player to the left of the dealer is the first to decide, either “pass,” or “pick it up.” And it progresses clockwise, with the last option to the dealer. If anyone decides to make the suit of the turn card, trump then the dealer gets to keep the turn card.
If, however, no one wants the upturned card’s suit to be trump, the exposed card is turned back down, and in the same clockwise pattern, players are given the chance to call any suit as trump, except the one turned down (don’t be a jerk).

What if, in addition to no one liking the turn card, no one wants to call trump either? Well…those among the ranks of the Eucherests without the constitution for risk, would lead you to believe that the hand is a wash, and the deal just advances without play. REAL euchre players, however, always play “Stick the dealer.” This means that despite anything else, if the turn card is down, and it’s back to the dealer to call, no matter how strong or weak his or her hand is…the dealer must choose trump.

King of diamonds. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. But, are they doing your team any favors?

Left of Dealer. First to act: Two low diamonds and a single off suited Ace. It’s a risky call. Not for the faint of heart, but mavericks would make this call, easy.
We’re going to pass this time.

Next, the partner of the dealer: Two strong trump, but no strong back up. The upshot? keeping the extra trump in the family. A different kind of risky than the first hand, but still a good call. We’ll order up our partner. “Pick it up.”
But let’s keep looking

Dealer’s right: No diamonds no aces. Not only is this not a strong calling hand, this hand pretty much sucks all around.

The dealer has the goods, this hand. With two aces and two jacks this is a balanced partner hand. This is great, because he or she now gets to add the turn card to his or her hand and discard a weaker card of his or her choosing.














Gameplay
So, trump is decided, and play commences.
The player on the left of the dealer leads the first trick. The suit led must be matched by the rest of the players in the hand, provided they have any (Following Suit). If they don’t, all bets are off, and they could throw trump, to try for a win, or a non-trump suit (off) which will automatically lose.

For reference purposes, the card in the middle of the table is the card which was led. The description will identify the winning card. But see if you know which card won, by looking at the pic.


The dealer leads a high and non-trump card, just the way the doctor ordered, hoping to win an early trick. Unfortunately for the leader, the dealer doesn’t have spades, with which to follow suit, and trumps in for the win.

Make it take it. The dealer wins and leads the next trick, high trump to clear out the opposition. And, since his partner called it, show where the power is. The left bauer, the second highest card in the hand goes a long way.

So, now you’ve drawn out one of your opponents trump, and discovered that your other opponent doesn’t even have any. So you’ve got that going for you. You have two aces left and your partner called it. With one opponent lacking trump, and one less heart out there (the jack of hearts became a diamond when that was called) I’m going to lead the Ace of Hearts, and hope that if the bad guy trumps, my partner trumps bigger.

No dice. I guess that call was more debatable than I’d hoped. But now the winner of the trick has only low clubs, so we’re back in the driver’s seat with our Ace of clubs.

And our partner seals the deal with the Right Bauer.

Thus, the hand ends. We’ve taken four tricks and our enemies have taken one. Now the deal advances to the left. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Scoring

Euchre is played to ten points, marked by the counters on a six and a four. Unless you’re in Michigan, then it’s two fives. Or if you’re in upstate New York it’s a two and a three… which makes no sense whatsoever.




So we finished up the hand. All that work for? One point. Anytime a team takes a majority of the five tricks available, that team gets one point. There are a number of ways one can score additional points.

If I’d used my aces a bit better and we’d have taken all five of the tricks, then in addition to the point for the majority, we’d have earned a bonus point for being awesome.

The same is true if your opponents call and you succeed in keeping them from taking their majority (Setting, Euchering).

Going Alone
If you have an amazing hand… Something unstoppable… Or if you are absurdly cavalier, you can go “alone.” Your partner sits out and, if you take all five, it’s worth, not one… not two… but four points to our team.

Oooo…Important point on scoring. If you could follow suit, and fail to? You are guilty of reneging. If you do, it’s worth the max number of points available; so, at least two points and at most four (if the other team was going alone).

A Final Note
As you go out into the world of Euchre, some, who call themselves Euchrests will claim something called “Ace. No face.” Or “Farmer’s Hand.” These are cowardly ways out of playing a weak hand, by re dealing or claiming the kitty. If in their house, accept this with grace. Smile and nod at them. All the while, knowing that you are, by this fact alone a better Euchre player…nay…person, than your opponent. If, however, they are in your house, without hesitation, you should tell them to take that weak garbage somewhere else.

Glossary And Useful Terms Not Yet Mentioned

Bauer- The Jack in the suit of trump (right) and the jack of the opposite suit in the same color (left). The highest cards in any given hand.

Call- Declare trump after all players have passed on the turn card.

Euchred­ (also Set)- Making trump and not winning a majority of tricks; thus, giving the opponents two points.

Following Suit- Playing the suit which was led, as is required.

Hand- Five tricks upon which points are determined.

In the barn- Having 9 points.

Kitty- Four cards remaining after the hand has been dealt. The top card, of which is the turn card.

Lead- Play the first card of a trick. The player to the dealer’s left and then the winner of each subsequent trick is the leader.

Left Bauer (also Left)- The second highest card in a given hand. The jack of the opposite suit of trump. The left, despite having a different symbol than trump, is treated as though it was that suit. If it is a diamond, whilst hearts are trump, a heart led would draw it out, but not a diamonds.

Opposite (also Next)- The other suit of the same color (diamonds to hearts, clubs to spades).

Order up- Deciding trump by ordering the dealer to pick up the turn card.

Renege- Failing to follow suit, when one has the requisite suit.

Trick- When each player has thrown in their card. 5 tricks = 1 hand.

Trump- The uber suit. The lowest card in trump is higher than the highest card of any other suit.

Set- See Euchered

Stopper- A single trick won to stop the other team from taking all five tricks.

Sweep- Taking all five tricks in a hand, for two points.

Oh, The Places You'll Go

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The students in Mr. Wells’ fourth grade class in Brookline, Massachusetts love The Lorax by Dr. Seuss. They love the story, and they especially love the book’s message that if we don’t start prioritizing the environment, the consequences will be disastrous.

So they were super excited to learn that Universal Studios made The Lorax into a blockbuster animated movie (it comes out in March on Dr. Seuss’ birthday).But when the kids went to the movie’s website, they were crestfallen to see it had no environmental education at all. Nothing about pollution, nothing about trees, just information on how to buy tickets.

“The website is more about making money than helping the planet, and that’s exactly what the book says not to do,” says Georgia, who is 10.

Romance Gone Awry

February 13, 2011

Dear John,

                I never really got into Valentine’s Day. All the hype, the drama, the expectation never turns out to be worth it. Our Valentine’s Day will definitely be remembered. I love that you were planning this out so far in advance. In the future, however, you should maybe wait ‘til the event before you purchase flowers. Roses lose something when their brittle, discolored petals are falling off.

                The lunch date at [crazy popular restaurant] was a brilliant idea. Their sea scallops are little bites of sunshine. It was totally weird how they lost your reservation on the most popular dining out day of the year. The food did smell really good while we waited…on standby…for two hours. But seriously, who needs a pricey lunch in a clean environment. That fish fillet sandwich really hit the spot.

When you said we were off to see and afternoon show, I thought you meant matinee in a theater. I think you can understand my surprise when we sat in on a film studies class to watch an art movie. And while I like the art scene as much as the next girl; literally, watching film decay doesn’t exactly ring my bells. For the next big movie outing, you may want to consider something a little more conventional… like, No Strings Attached, I’m just saying.

                Dinner wasn’t that hot either. Nobody likes a whiner… Seriously. When you send your food back four times on one of the highest volume food days even the most patient server or manager is bound to get annoyed. If you don’t like what’s on the menu, you should either go to a different restaurant, or EAT AT HOME. But modifying your entrée 800 times is the opposite of sexy. And, I know I told you that I enjoy them, but I think the whole thing may have gone better if you hadn’t opted for a bag piper as our serenade option. I honestly don’t think our server heard most of the things you said, which is kind of a relief.

                We probably should have called it a night at that point, but hindsight is 20/20. Clubbing isn’t really my scene, but it seemed to get you into a good place. Liquid courage is a good name for it. The first drink was excellent. Then you started lapping me. And then, you switched to shots. And then, you bought a shot for that girl at the bar, when you thought I wasn’t looking.  Then you stood on the stool. Then you yelled at the bartender. Then you bit the bouncer. You’re a grown-assed-man and you BIT SOMEONE!! Which would have been bad enough, if you hadn’t asked me for cab fare after you lost your wallet around the time they were throwing you out. I can only assume you made it home safely, since you’ve been tweeting, texting, emailing, IMing, drunk dialing, and hung over dialing me since last night.

                This would normally be the part where I said we should be friends or something. Let’s just go with “or something” (a.k.a. Total Strangers). It was very unusual to date you. I wish you all the introspection in the world.

Not Joking Around,

  Jane

Better Boyfriend 101 (Hand Holding)

Attention! Attention!
Settle down class. It's time for a quick discussion on touching. Not like Hitch's primer, on breaking the touch barrier. After all, this is a 101 class, not Remedial Boyfriend. 


Better Boyfriend 101 (Hand Holding)


Hand holding is one of the basic components of romance. It rates so low on the scale of affectionate contact that it doesn’t get a base. It would be the base line on the way to “kissing?” It’s a little odd how that works. It’s hard to build the relationship without it. But it doesn’t show up nearly as often in established relationships. Anyway, as a consummate people watcher I get to see couples hand in hand all over. During undergrad, there was a couple who was almost famous for their method of clasping. The duo even had a nickname based on their technique, “the 90 degree couple.” Try to picture with me, two people standing approximately two feet apart, separated by almost the exact distance of their collective shoulder-to-elbow span. Because, they’re standing scarecrow style, forearms dangling into a grip knot of fingers, suspended over the sidewalk. Tragic. 

Hand holding is a pretty nice thing. It’s an element of closeness available when other such demonstrations of affection aren’t appropriate. It’s a promise of something enduring. Palms of each partner nestled in the hand of the other. Or for the more intimate, there are the intertwined fingers of the passionate. Hand holding is a desire to cherish, each other despite engaging in extraneous activities (walking, TV watching, or even writing). It’s connection despite “whatever.” And it communicates so much to both one’s partner and to the rest of the world. 

Is hand holding her leash, whereby she can drag her reticent partner from store to store at the mall? Or a pacifier to silence her during the game? Trying not to lose him in a crowd?  Is it a tangible, “I love you?” Or did you just forget that the “Red Rover” game ended. I’m forced to admit that I am in the category of hand holders which includes the hand-kissers who draw circles on the backs of their partner’s hand. Lucky for me, my girlfriend* is, too.


Then there is the hyper jealous partner. Not like normal jealous (“No, you can’t go out alone with your ex”). Or even very jealous (“Was that guy checkin’ you out”). But, he’s the kind of guy whose jealous insecurity oozes out of all of his body language, interposing himself between his hostage… I mean, partner, and the person foolish enough to step in between him and the object of his possession. The dead giveaway is when you see the happy couple charging down the street holding hands. But, holding hands is a terribly flawed way to describe the activity. As opposed to the fingers being lovingly intertwined, or even each hand tucked neatly between the thumb and the forefinger, he’s got her in “The Clamp.” His hand encases her entire hand, thumb included, in a vice grip of possession.  Someday, they’ll realize that he doesn’t own her. 

Like I said, already, hand holding is a funny thing. It’s an electric shock through your body, the first time that it happens. But when the novelty wears off, people forget that it’s about connecting to your partner. So whether you’ve been dating for two weeks or married for two decades. Take your partners hand, and try a little tenderness. But don’t be vice grip guy. 


Share with the class? Why do you hold hands? Why don't you hold hands? What's your most memorable hand holding experience?




*Not pictured


Proper and improper hand-holding demonstration by yours truly and renowned actress, Abbie Getty.  

A New Year's Epilogue

Happy New  Year everyone.
I hope the lessons of the past are
feeding the hope of the upcoming year.

My life has been a little chaotic in the past few weeks. As a result I didn't bring the Christmas duel home like I'd wanted to. And I got a few messages from people asking if I really didn't like Christmas. So, I wanted to start off the new year with an open letter to Christmas.

Dear Christmas,

  So here's the thing. I don't exactly know where to start. I'll just come out with it. I'm sorry.
I went a little nuts during the whole, "MoTheThird vs. Christmas" thing. I mean, seriously, you're such a big deal and I kinda turned it all the wrong way. Everyone was hopping on the bell-jingling bandwagon, and when I tried to buck the trend, I got a little mean. I took aim at some bits which aren't so awesome, and caught a victim or two in the crossfire...my bad.

   'Cause even though Rudolph and Baby It's Cold Outside don't do much to model your finer points, I really do love your music. Even if I haven't popped one of your albums, or you haven't come by the house for months, I'll catch myself singing one of your greatest hits. So, I guess I could have been nicer and maybe toned down the vitriol on the songs.

  And really, when it comes down to it, you have a great heart. And in my determination to get caught in the hype, I lost track of that. The very reason people engage in the high impact shopping of "Black Friday" is the faces of the recipients on the lovely morning five weeks later. It may be  GIFTS GONE WILD!! But, it's still giving. So thanks for making that happen, too.

  From Advent candles, to carol singers, to decorating, to cookies, to staring at the tree with the ones you love, you give us a lot of great things to do, think about, see, and eat. So I really am sorry if I was mean. Thanks a bunch. And drop by next year. I'm not saying I won't give you a hard time. Just know that I mean well. Have a Happy New Year.

Sincerely, and Hopefully,
  MoTheThird

P.S. If you get a chance, though, can you work on, "I Saw Mommy..." A young woman I know spent her childhood thinking it was about an affair between the mom and Santa. Even now, I think she gives Santa the stink eye. I'm not sayin'. But I'm just sayin'.

A Christmas Rant

Okay. So I was over due for a post and over due for a slap in the face of Christmas. Sorry again for falling off the face of the Earth. This is a little piece of a much larger conversation I've had many times. It's now been paired down to a concise bit of vitriol, which is meant to be read aloud. But I goofed around with my equipment and never videoed it. So please, as you peruse the following, read it aloud and preferably with the rushed exasperated tone of someone who has spent thirty minutes in line, who knows there are at least 45 minutes left. 

I give you:

MoTheThird vs. Christmas (Round Four):

A Christmas Rant

It’s Christmas time. Okay…So what? Christmas is the epitome of hype. People pouting about wanting a white holiday, while I’m waiting impatiently in lines too long with a cart full of things I really can’t afford. As I try to figure out how to sneak out of the back of the auditorium after Billy slash Susy finishes the only solo I’ll even pretend to care about, if not to go home, at least for a smoke… ‘cause hey, I’m no monster.

Then there are the evangelical hoards touting the real meaning of Christmas as they stab their flag on the high holy day and protest the secularization of the birthday of a world leader who was born in the spring according to, like, every real scholar. While the Pagans, like the Native Americans, are standing on the outside edges of Christmas, blinking dumbly at one another, reminding themselves that they really were there first.

But it doesn’t really matter. ‘Cause, on Black Friday, the lady from the First Self-Righteous Church, who’d spent just a minute too long in the queue, snapped and maced the Pagans right out of line. Even though there was a touch of collateral damage. They were probably “CrEasters” anyway, so whatever, “God Wills It!” And I guess, when it comes down to it, at least they only got maced. It’s not so bad when you downgrade it from trampled, but when you upgrade it from casual shopping, it becomes a bit more alarming…

But let’s get serious for a second. Christmas shopping hasn’t been casual since…well since black Friday became “Black Friday” in the 1960s. The fact that I, a reasonable adult, can devolve into a snarling, clawing Neanderthal of a being, willing to knock over a pensioner and wrestle a package from the hands the little waif of a housewife who though that her kid was more in need of the colorful light-up noisemaker than my nephew…her mistake not mine.  I make no apologies.

And truthfully… the ego-maniacal, over stimulated, socially stunted mini-mes could probably stand to have one less gift bursting from beneath their Tree on the 25^th. It could be their little chance to contribute to the financial health of the family. Allowing their stress filled caretakers to accumulate that much less debt. Magnanimity by abstinence would be the order of the day. But who am I kidding? This is the USA! And we will not be out indulged (Except maybe by the French). I think therefore I am entitled.

My cart almost involuntarily moves the two new inches in line, when I realize that if, after Billy slash Susy’s solo, and the requisite standing ovation of one,  I succumb to a coughing fit, people will think I’m being polite when I excuse myself out of the back. I could probably suck down two sticks of cancer before people start to think that if I’m still coughing, I’m probably dying. Which I kind of am, so I guess I should quit again for New Year.

Merry Freaking Christmas

Thanks for the card…but what did you get me?