From my newly released book,
The Birds
&
The Bees
To
paraphrase The Late Mitch Hedberg (may he rest in peace), I used to be a nerd.
I still am, but I used to be, too. When I was about ten, I started to get
curious. While Kevin McCallister and my peers were rummaging through the locked
chests and sock drawers of their older brothers and fathers, I wasn’t.[1]
I waited until no one was around, walked into our living room, pulled out the
“S” volume of our family’s 1992 edition of the World Book Encyclopedia and flipped it open to “Sex.” I read the
following, “See: Sexual Intercourse.” BAM!! I learned something already. So
after turning to “Sexual Intercourse,” I read the article, and learned that it
had something to do with “privates” and… really, I didn’t get anything useful
out of it. Thanks a lot World Book Encyclopedia Company.
In
the fifth grade, my parents sent me to a little Christian school. If you went
to a Christian school, it was just like you remember. If you didn’t it was
basically the movie Saved! without
the pregnant girl, the Jewish girl, or the kid in the wheelchair; which is a
shame, ‘cause they were awesome and would have made my school experience way
more exciting.[2]
Marilyn Manson did go to my school, but that was before my time. And, there once
was a sex scandal, but that was after my time. So while I was there, the only
thing notable about the school was that it was a Christian school— still rather
noteworthy when you have to tackle something like Sex Ed. It’s also a big deal
when you have a science class where you can’t ask questions about evolution. But,
in middle school, Sex Ed seemed way more important.
In
the sixth grade, my classmates and I had the opportunity to study the book, Preparing for Adolescence, by Dr. James
Dobson. Now, if you’re not familiar with
him, Dr. Dobson is the founder of Focus on the Family, who left that ultra-conservative
organization to found another more conservative organization with even less
oversight and academic accountability. Along the way, this guy wrote a book
about our bodies, the changes within, and the emotions associated with them.[3]
It could pretty much be summed up as: Chew ice chips and pray until you get
married; because if you touch yourself or have sex before you get married,
you’ll become the next Ted Bundy, and the state of Florida will put you down
like a dog and your soul will burn. And, I’m paraphrasing.
Early
on in our study of this book, our teacher, Mr. T, opened up the floor for
preliminary questions. “Ask about whatever,” he said. His proposal met with
deafening silence. It’s not that we weren’t interested; it’s just that this
particular teacher had a little bit of a temper. He didn’t respond well to
things he didn’t like. One day when the class was a little restless, Mr. T famously slammed a textbook on a table and
shouted, “Shut the door!” to one of the other students. The book slam was more striking
than it may have been otherwise because of his reddening face and the bulging
veins. You could see him choking back far harsher language and a much louder yell.
It really came out, “SHUT THE…DOOR!!”And for the WASPy[*]*
kids in that class, that was quite overwhelming. But, this same “Shut-the-door”
man wanted us to ask him any question we wanted, about puberty? We passed on
that offer. But as a teacher, he couldn’t let it go. He called out a specific student
by name. “[Student] I can tell you have a question, just ask it.”
“No
Thanks.”
“Just
ask!”
“I
really don’t feel…”
“[Student]
ask your question!”
My
classmate looks down at his desk and mutters.
“What
was that?” Mr. T demands.
“When
I get married, will I stop having wet dreams?”
The
room actually managed to go even quieter as Mr. T sent one of the five iciest
glares I’ve witnessed across the room to the student.
“Get
out… just, go to the office, right now…”
And,
that in a nutshell was my Sex Ed experience in a Christian private school.
Well…If the private school system fails you, you can always turn to your family, right? The “birds and the bees” talk wasn’t one of the things which I looked forward to having. It’s not that my dad isn’t a good dude. In fact, he’s one of the better people I know. He’s thoughtful, helpful, and does well with most of the basic dad stuff. He taught me how to throw a football, change my oil, and tie a tie. But romance? Not his strong suit—nor were the emotions that went along with it. So, telling me about women and sex and all that jazz was going to be as tough as a horsefly filling in on a bee’s day off.
While
reading a book in my room one summer afternoon just prior to high school, I was
surprised when my dad walked in. It wasn’t necessarily surprising that he was
in my room, but he was fairly good about knocking. The fact that he didn’t, now
worried me more than a little. He loomed uncomfortably in my doorway for a few
moments, while I bookmarked my spot with my finger. “Well…,” he began, “you’re
old enough that you have probably figured your own attitudes on dating and
stuff like that.”
“I
guess,” I responded shrugging into my book and avoiding eye contact while
bracing for what would likely be the most awkward conversation of my life to
that point.
“Well,
okay then,” he said. Then as suddenly as he’d come, he was gone.
And
that, in a nutshell, was the rest of my experience with Sex Ed.
I’m
not entirely sure how I made it to adulthood.
[1]
Home Alone. Dir. Chris Columbus. By John Hughes. Perf. Macaulay Culkin.
20th Century Fox, 1990. Videocassette.
In his defense, Kevin wasn’t exploring sex, he was just
nosing around his brother’s abandoned room being grossed out by naked women.
[2]
Saved! Dir. Brian Dannelly. By Brian Dannelly and Michael Urban.
Perf. Jena Malone, Mandy Moore, Macaulay Culkin, Eva Amurri. United Artists,
2004. Film.
I wish this movie was more hyperbolic.
[3]
Dobson, James. Preparing for Adolescence. Ventura, California:
Regal, 1989. Print.
